Growing Up

"Undermining the ego's thought system must be perceived as painful, even though this is anything but true. This will not last. Be patient a while and remember that the outcome is as certain as God." -- A Course in Miracles

"I rest in God." -- A Course in Miracles

I woke up in the middle of the night with a nameless anxiety. When I turned to the Course to read, it opened to a section about the undoing of the ego and guilt. I noticed that none of the stories I was telling myself had any effect on this nameless, restless anxiety. It was as if it were water churning, and there was nothing to grab onto. Nothing at all.

As I went through the stories and illusions that could logically be disturbing my peace and forgave my projections one by one, I noticed that I still was not at peace. So I kept looking for the source of the disturbance. And I found nothing. This in itself was disturbing. I felt like a dog chasing its tail.

And then I remembered. I guess my mind exhausted itself in the chase, but there was just a little opening, and the Light shone through. Of course there was nothing there! As ACIM says, "All your sins have been forgiven because they carried no effects at all. They are not there."

Waking up is a lot like growing up. When we're little, we are constantly looking for the toys and activities that will please us and excite us. As we mature, these activities shift and change... but when we really grow up, we no longer look for self-gratification. We look for meaning in the people and activities around us. Of course we won't find it there. If we are lucky, we will be disillusioned by everything, disappointed in everyone... and it will drive us within, to face the reality that we made it all up. It was all like the toys we played with as children, where we arbitrarily assigned roles and meanings, and none of it was true. And in this grand undoing called Awakening, we ultimately find lasting meaning and joy in the remembrance of Self.

So the instant I remembered, I was completely at peace. In that Holy Instant, all the imagined tail chasing was seen through, as the smokescreen it was... another disguise of the ego-identity trying to preserve itself. The illusory ego is never the problem... it's just the conditioned self I have presented in the world. The problem is thinking that it and its problems are me, or that they are real at all.

The instant I remember, I am at rest in God.